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Category Archives: Motherhood
This is my space to share my journey through parenting (alongside my recipes). My intention in sharing with you is that maybe we can all feel a bit more connected in this experience. I share so that if you, like me, are trying to make some decisions or changes, you can read about my choices and experiences and maybe feel a little more informed about one of the options, or inspired by a success that I’ve had, or comforted by a challenge we’re both facing.
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Both online and in life it is really easy to feel like your choices are being judged. It’s a sensitive topic because my choices, over the long run, will define who I am as a mom and hopefully have a impact on the people my daughters grow up to become. There are lots of choices to be made: Breastfeeding? Supplement with formula? Co-sleeping? Natural birth? Hypno-birth? Scheduled Cesarean? Daycare? Preschool? Waldorf? Montessori? Homeschool? Unschool? How much television is okay? Cloth diapers? Disposable? Are Disney Princesses evil? Which car seat is safest? Attachment parenting? Cry it out? … It truly feels endless, and I desperately want to make the right decisions for myself and my children. Accordingly, I put a lot of time and thought into the decisions that I make. I think most of us put a lot of thought into these choices, we become experts, we form opinions, and it’s really easy to step from those opinions into judgment. I certainly have my opinions, in fact I’m incredibly opinionated, but there is a big difference between having opinions and thinking that everyone should share those opinions.
I recently had a conversation with a friend, she was sharing how she had had to discipline her child for some behavior at a playgroup and “felt like all the other moms were looking at them and thinking, ‘what a terrible mother.’” I’ve also read a few blog posts lately, about how, while in a public place with their kids, these bloggers “[felt] the judgmental stares from the other mamas,” and how that judgment made them feel about their parenting. The words that these moms used, “ashamed”, “embarrassed”, “humiliated”, had me fuming. We should not feel like this. Period.
Judgment is easy. It’s often my initial reaction to think, “Why is she doing it that way?”, but I work hard to overcome that. The more time I spend as a wife and mother (and adult), the easier I find it is to let go of judgment. The more I talk with my girlfriends, and the more I learn about other women’s experiences and choices, the wider my capacity for empathy and understanding becomes. I have been paying much more attention to the conversations that I’ve been having with my girlfriends and I’ve come to realize the incredible value these conversations have in my days. I am learning so much from these fantastic women.
How long did you breastfeed? Are you planning to send your kids to public school? What do you and your husband bicker about? Do you struggle to keep your house clean? What was your birth experience like? Do you struggle with anxiety? How much television do you let your kids watch? …These are all the things my girlfriends and I talk about when we’re together. We meet up for coffee, or have glass of wine together, or a cup of tea during nap time, and we talk about everything. Even with my girlfriends who don’t live nearby, we set a time aside to call one another to catch up and to be supportive and supported. We are all struggling and succeeding, and, thank God, we’re doing it together. I’ve found that these mugs and glasses full of comforting drinks create an opportunity for connection, for fulfillment, for support and for love.
I was thinking how wonderful it would be to have a place online where I could get, and provide, some of that same love, fulfillment, friendship and support. But I have had a hard time finding places online where women talk about their decisions and experiences openly. Perhaps it is because there is so much judgment… or fear of it. It’s particularly easy to judge someone online; it’s easy to leave a comment giving someone a piece of your mind, letting them know you disapprove of their choices, telling them why your opinion is a better one. I often wonder if people would be so judgmental in person? Would they say that to that blogger if that person was their friend, sitting on their couch, and explaining their decisions and opinions? I think it’s so unfortunate that our current culture is stuck in this cycle or judgment and comparison.
I hope that, when you sit down to read my blog posts, you know that I’m not thinking that everyone should do things the way I do, or that I think my way is the best way… I’m guessing most of the time! I hope you make yourself a cup of tea, fill your favorite mug to the brim with coffee, whip up a hot toddy, or pour yourself a big glass of wine and that we can really connect, and really be friends.
With love,
Kacie
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My girlfriends will join in the first conversation at the end of this week. In the meantime, I’d love to hear your thoughts…
Illustration by Heidi Gustafson.
Sometimes, fortunately not too often, we have a day that just defeats me and wipes me out. But the last two weeks have felt like a string of these defeating days. I am trying, trying, trying to stay positive to get up and keep going. Preparing healthy meals and getting enough to eat has been helping a lot. We’ve been keeping the house clean and tidy, the laundry put away, etc. which, let me tell you, has required a huge upheaval of my “old ways”. I wish I was a really tidy person but somehow I seem to leave debris wherever I go. I’m working really hard to NOT do that which is great because the house is clean and cozy, but is hard because it means that the times when I normally might have sat down to catch my breath, I’m spending tidying, folding or putting away laundry, doing dishes, prepping food for dinner…
It seems ridiculous to be complaining about such mundane things, things that when broken down I’m actually grateful for. I really am grateful that I have kids (and :ahem: myself) to tidy up after, a family’s laundry to fold, food to prepare and dishes to wash. I think that in some ways I’m just feeling a little lost and pretty tired. I’m trying to take care of myself, and take time for myself because I think that’s what I need right now. Time, quiet, space, rest… these are not things that are particularly easy to come by at the moment but I’m doing my best to find them whenever I can. I’m trying to keep my head on my shoulders and not compare my life or home or space or work to anyone else’s because I know that that will only make me feel worse, and I know that I am doing my very best (almost) all the time.
Gigi is also having a hard time this week. I feel like she’s going through one of those mental growth spurts that toddlers seem to have and everything overwhelms or frustrates her. We were eating dinner last night and she said, “What’s happening to meeeeee?” Poor gal. It’s like little glimpses of who she’ll be, or who I, was at thirteen. Being an empathetic person I just want to hug her and cuddle her through it. Although I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve said, “Can you please use your big girl voice?”, I find it hard to parent firmly when all I want to do is give her a hug, and get a hug myself. She’s been begging for hugs, and saying, “Mama, I need you.” a lot and I just want to give myself to her completely.
I wish I could’ve just dropped everything (literally and figuratively), to comfort her when we went out of our way to walk to visit Daddy at work only to find that he wasn’t there, and she had a meltdown on the sidewalk as we walked back to the car, because I was disappointed too. Her big tears practically froze on her cheeks in the cold wind as she sat on the dirty sidewalk and I felt helpless and overwhelmed. I wish I could convey to her, while disciplining her for screaming
“NOOOOO!” at me, how much I understand what she’s feeling, and how much I love her.
With both kids napping and G’s shrill “NOOOOOO!” still ringing in my ears, I sat down to think, and I realized something. I am a big believer in saying no. I say it all the time. I don’t make excuses, I just say no. In fact, before I sat down to write this, I sent three “no” emails to people who are asking for me to do work for them. I just can’t do everything and for the sake of my mental and physical health I have to say no a lot… even when I wish I could say yes. But today I realized that I also need to say no for G. Sometimes I feel guilty that I’m not taking her out to do enough: swimming, story time, coffee shop dates, play dates, activities, time at the park. But the last couple of weeks we’ve been out and about constantly and I wonder if that has something to do with her (and my) meltdowns. Perhaps she’s screaming “NO” at me when we’re out somewhere because what she really needs is space and quiet and and time and rest too?
We are going to do “nothing” for a couple of days. We are not going to plan play dates, run errands, or make lists of any kind. We are going to be cozy. We are going to read books. We are going to watch Winnie the Pooh. We are going to bake cookies. We are going to color. We are going to take long baths. We are going to cuddle, and we are definitely going to have French Toast at “inappropriate” times…
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A DEPARTURE AND A SURPRISE…
Last week we started Lulu on solid food. While I felt really excited to begin this journey with her, I felt a little sad about it. She is growing so quickly and I feel like the start of solid food is the first real departure from it being just us two. Despite the challenges, I love breastfeeding, and I will defend my first six months of exclusive breastfeeding (to a fault) against anyone who recommends supplementing with formula (including my husband and our pediatrician). I struggled with milk supply issues, particularly between month 4-5, and I drove myself crazy with fenugreek and the breast pump. I told myself I’d just supplement this time around if I needed to, since I had the same experience when Gigi was a newborn, but when the time came I just couldn’t do it. It may seem silly but I so treasure those first six months. I love knowing that I created this little person and that I’m sustaining her. And, if I’m being totally honest, it makes me feel like she’s all mine, and I love that.
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When the time came, starting her on solid foods was fun, and Lulu loved it. I didn’t feel as emotional about it as I thought I would. It was a family affair with Kyle taking photos, and even Gigi got involved, helping to feed her with a spoon. So we are officially on our way to introducing Lulu to the wonderful world of food. For my part, I spent the day yesterday whipping up a number of purées to freeze. One of the many reasons I love cooking is the way it helps me process my complex emotions.
One thing that has completely surprised me about this new step for Lulu is the way it’s effected Gigi. It’s strange but as soon as she started to eat solid food something changed between the girls. There has been a palpable shift in the way Gigi sees her baby sister. It’s like having her sit at the table with us for breakfast and lunch made her realize the playmate potential. While Lulu sits in her high chair G takes great pleasure playing peek-a-boo with her, and she’s started saying things like, “When we are done eating can she come play with me?” and she loves to have Lulu’s highchair as close to her chair as possible. It’s been really wonderful because up until now G has sort of just accepted that she has a little sister but hasn’t really wanted to be too physically involved with her. She likes to make her smile and laugh, she loves when she “talks”, but she has been really sensitive about being touched by her. When Lulu’s leg bumps her she gets frustrated, and she’s never wanted to hold her. But suddenly that has all changed.
This new relationship has transferred away from the table. Gigi has been sharing her toys with Lu, requesting her presence in the bathtub, and telling her stories. The other evening, out of nowhere, Gigi asked if she could feed Lulu her 4pm bottle. YES! I positioned her on the couch with Lulu all propped up on pillows and let the two of them figure it out. Lu has not been the easiest bottle babe, in fact she still doesn’t like to take more than 1 measly ounce, unless I’m the one wielding the bottle. But she happily took quite a bit from Gigi. One of the most wonderful things about nursing or bottle feeding Lulu is that she waves her little hand all around until she finds yours to hold. She got a good grasp on Gigi’s and I half expected G to get frustrated but she just started laughing. This whole scenario lasted no more than six minutes but it made my heart burst with happiness.
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We don’t often have candy in the house… except for Hot Tamales which I started buying when I was pregnant with Lulu. A part of me thinks they’re disgusting, and the other part of me can’t stop eating them. Have you ever tried pouring a box of them into a bowl of buttered popcorn? You should.
Anyway, after Halloween I got rid of most of G’s candy. She brought in quite a bit of it. A cute Pirate Kitty Cat will do that. In fact, she figured out just how to approach the candy holders, “If I meow at them they give me another piece!!!” After she went to bed on Halloween night we put away most of her candy and left her a few goodies in her bag. She was so excited about the candy, she didn’t notice that 90% of her stash was missing when she got up the next day.
I think the first words out of her mouth on November 1st were, “I know! I can have candy for brekstist! THIS is a great idea!” I made her wait to pick a candy to eat until after her afternoon nap. When the time came to pick she chose a Tootsie Roll Pop. I think it was the first, maybe second, sucker she’s ever had. She kept referring to it as a “lollipop guild” in reference to the munchkin trio from The Wizard of Oz. She also picked one out for me. Lulu was sleeping so G and I just sat at the table and ate our Tootsie Pops together, swapping flavors every couple minutes. She’d offer up her raspberry in exchange for my chocolate flavored one.
I kept thinking about those “how many licks…” commercials and I was grateful that Gigi didn’t think to crunch through the hard candy to get to the Tootsie Roll because, all told, we spent about half an hour just sitting together with our lollipops. I enjoyed spending time with her huddled at the table, talking about all manner of silly things and listening to her sing, “lollipop guild, lollipop guild!” over and over, admiring the way her bed-head braids stuck out at funny angles.
I never thought I’d be grateful to candy, because frankly it can be a parenting pain in the ass, but I am so grateful to have shared that half hour with my girl over a couple of Tootsie Roll Pops.
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