Sometimes, fortunately not too often, we have a day that just defeats me and wipes me out. But the last two weeks have felt like a string of these defeating days. I am trying, trying, trying to stay positive to get up and keep going. Preparing healthy meals and getting enough to eat has been helping a lot. We’ve been keeping the house clean and tidy, the laundry put away, etc. which, let me tell you, has required a huge upheaval of my “old ways”. I wish I was a really tidy person but somehow I seem to leave debris wherever I go. I’m working really hard to NOT do that which is great because the house is clean and cozy, but is hard because it means that the times when I normally might have sat down to catch my breath, I’m spending tidying, folding or putting away laundry, doing dishes, prepping food for dinner…
It seems ridiculous to be complaining about such mundane things, things that when broken down I’m actually grateful for. I really am grateful that I have kids (and :ahem: myself) to tidy up after, a family’s laundry to fold, food to prepare and dishes to wash. I think that in some ways I’m just feeling a little lost and pretty tired. I’m trying to take care of myself, and take time for myself because I think that’s what I need right now. Time, quiet, space, rest… these are not things that are particularly easy to come by at the moment but I’m doing my best to find them whenever I can. I’m trying to keep my head on my shoulders and not compare my life or home or space or work to anyone else’s because I know that that will only make me feel worse, and I know that I am doing my very best (almost) all the time.
Gigi is also having a hard time this week. I feel like she’s going through one of those mental growth spurts that toddlers seem to have and everything overwhelms or frustrates her. We were eating dinner last night and she said, “What’s happening to meeeeee?” Poor gal. It’s like little glimpses of who she’ll be, or who I, was at thirteen. Being an empathetic person I just want to hug her and cuddle her through it. Although I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve said, “Can you please use your big girl voice?”, I find it hard to parent firmly when all I want to do is give her a hug, and get a hug myself. She’s been begging for hugs, and saying, “Mama, I need you.” a lot and I just want to give myself to her completely.
I wish I could’ve just dropped everything (literally and figuratively), to comfort her when we went out of our way to walk to visit Daddy at work only to find that he wasn’t there, and she had a meltdown on the sidewalk as we walked back to the car, because I was disappointed too. Her big tears practically froze on her cheeks in the cold wind as she sat on the dirty sidewalk and I felt helpless and overwhelmed. I wish I could convey to her, while disciplining her for screaming
“NOOOOO!” at me, how much I understand what she’s feeling, and how much I love her.
With both kids napping and G’s shrill “NOOOOOO!” still ringing in my ears, I sat down to think, and I realized something. I am a big believer in saying no. I say it all the time. I don’t make excuses, I just say no. In fact, before I sat down to write this, I sent three “no” emails to people who are asking for me to do work for them. I just can’t do everything and for the sake of my mental and physical health I have to say no a lot… even when I wish I could say yes. But today I realized that I also need to say no for G. Sometimes I feel guilty that I’m not taking her out to do enough: swimming, story time, coffee shop dates, play dates, activities, time at the park. But the last couple of weeks we’ve been out and about constantly and I wonder if that has something to do with her (and my) meltdowns. Perhaps she’s screaming “NO” at me when we’re out somewhere because what she really needs is space and quiet and and time and rest too?
We are going to do “nothing” for a couple of days. We are not going to plan play dates, run errands, or make lists of any kind. We are going to be cozy. We are going to read books. We are going to watch Winnie the Pooh. We are going to bake cookies. We are going to color. We are going to take long baths. We are going to cuddle, and we are definitely going to have French Toast at “inappropriate” times…
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