SHARED BETWEEN FRIENDS

This is my space to share my journey through parenting (alongside my recipes). My intention in sharing with you is that maybe we can all feel a bit more connected in this experience. I share so that if you, like me, are trying to make some decisions or changes, you can read about my choices and experiences and maybe feel a little more informed about one of the options, or inspired by a success that I’ve had, or comforted by a challenge we’re both facing.

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Both online and in life it is really easy to feel like your choices are being judged. It’s a sensitive topic because my choices, over the long run, will define who I am as a mom and hopefully have a impact on the people my daughters grow up to become. There are lots of choices to be made: Breastfeeding? Supplement with formula? Co-sleeping? Natural birth? Hypno-birth? Scheduled Cesarean? Daycare? Preschool? Waldorf? Montessori? Homeschool? Unschool? How much television is okay? Cloth diapers? Disposable? Are Disney Princesses evil? Which car seat is safest? Attachment parenting? Cry it out? … It truly feels endless, and I desperately want to make the right decisions for myself and my children. Accordingly, I put a lot of time and thought into the decisions that I make. I think most of us put a lot of thought into these choices, we become experts, we form opinions, and it’s really easy to step from those opinions into judgment. I certainly have my opinions, in fact I’m incredibly opinionated, but there is a big difference between having opinions and thinking that everyone should share those opinions.

I recently had a conversation with a friend, she was sharing how she had had to discipline her child for some behavior at a playgroup and “felt like all the other moms were looking at them and thinking, ‘what a terrible mother.’” I’ve also read a few blog posts lately, about how, while in a public place with their kids, these bloggers “[felt] the judgmental stares from the other mamas,” and how that judgment made them feel about their parenting. The words that these moms used, “ashamed”, “embarrassed”, “humiliated”, had me fuming. We should not feel like this. Period.

Judgment is easy. It’s often my initial reaction to think, “Why is she doing it that way?”, but I work hard to overcome that. The more time I spend as a wife and mother (and adult), the easier I find it is to let go of judgment. The more I talk with my girlfriends, and the more I learn about other women’s experiences and choices, the wider my capacity for empathy and understanding becomes. I have been paying much more attention to the conversations that I’ve been having with my girlfriends and I’ve come to realize the incredible value these conversations have in my days. I am learning so much from these fantastic women.

How long did you breastfeed? Are you planning to send your kids to public school? What do you and your husband bicker about? Do you struggle to keep your house clean? What was your birth experience like? Do you struggle with anxiety? How much television do you let your kids watch? …These are all the things my girlfriends and I talk about when we’re together. We meet up for coffee, or have glass of wine together, or a cup of tea during nap time, and we talk about everything. Even with my girlfriends who don’t live nearby, we set a time aside to call one another to catch up and to be supportive and supported. We are all struggling and succeeding, and, thank God, we’re doing it together. I’ve found that these mugs and glasses full of comforting drinks create an opportunity for connection, for fulfillment, for support and for love.

I was thinking how wonderful it would be to have a place online where I could get, and provide, some of that same love, fulfillment, friendship and support. But I have had a hard time finding places online where women talk about their decisions and experiences openly. Perhaps it is because there is so much judgment… or fear of it. It’s particularly easy to judge someone online; it’s easy to leave a comment giving someone a piece of your mind, letting them know you disapprove of their choices, telling them why your opinion is a better one. I often wonder if people would be so judgmental in person? Would they say that to that blogger if that person was their friend, sitting on their couch, and explaining their decisions and opinions? I think it’s so unfortunate that our current culture is stuck in this cycle or judgment and comparison.

I hope that, when you sit down to read my blog posts, you know that I’m not thinking that everyone should do things the way I do, or that I think my way is the best way… I’m guessing most of the time! I hope you make yourself a cup of tea, fill your favorite mug to the brim with coffee, whip up a hot toddy, or pour yourself a big glass of wine and that we can really connect, and really be friends.

With love,
Kacie

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